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What The Heck Is A Newt And Why Do We Want To Elect One President? January 22, 2012

I guess I need to educate myself on newts, since one somehow just won the South Carolina primary and did it in a big way.  Now I don’t understand why on Earth we would want a slimy amphibian to run this country, but since it is possible that it will win the nomination, I think it is only fair that I study up on the newts and try to discover what makes this individual species of newt special.

• Most newts are characterized by a frog-like body and a distinct tail.  However, the species of newt being considered for President, known as the Gingrich, is characterized by a frog-like head and a distinct obnoxious personality.

The Gingrich

A frog

• Newts are typically fickle about their mating partners.  The Gingrich is no different.  The Gingrich will choose a partner.  However, as that partner ages and becomes sick, the Gingrich will search for a new, younger, healthier partner.
• Newts are known to have the ability to regenerate its heart.  The Gingrich left his first partner while she was recovering from cancer and refused to support their offspring.  The Gingrich left his second partner after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and the doctor asked he not put any stress on her.  The Gingrich does not have a heart.
• Many newts produce toxins in their skin secretions as a defense mechanism against predators.  The Gingrich produces sanctimonious anger as a defense mechanism against his predator known as the media, who often come armed with the truth.

I think it was important to produce this little primer about the Gingrich as I heard this morning that many South Carolina voters were like me and didn’t know much about it.  This is perfectly understandable as the Gingrich has only been found in the D.C. area for around 34 years and only managed to rise to the lowly position of Speaker of the House during his time there.  So yes, he’s a total unknown.  But now that I’ve done my homework, if it comes down to a choice between the Gingrich and the “muslim”, I think I’m going to stick with the “muslim”.   At least the “muslim” is not a icky salamander.