I did not (as I usually don’t) watch the President’s State of the Union address.  I just can’t stand the grandstanding politicians that feel like they have to make their feelings known on every little point of the speech, whether it is by applauding and cheering or by making faces.  Yes, adults making faces.  I mean, you tell me?  Could Eric Cantor be trying any harder to make a face like he just smelled a turd?

Now had he made that face after the President’s awful spilled milk joke, then maybe that would be understandable!  I made the same face when I read it!  But no, that was just his ‘I disagree with this guy, I hate this man, why do I even have to be here?’ face.  You know, just in case somebody might get the wrong idea.

The constant applause/cheering interruptions are even worse.  This is a speech that never gets any flow and takes twice as long as it should just because the members in Congress feel like taking an impromptu vote on every thing.  (President: “Today…”, Congress: “Yay!!!!  It IS today!!!!!”)  Would it be so wrong for Congress to stay respectfully quiet and just let the President deliver the address?  There’s plenty of time for actual discussion (instead of applause, groans, faces) after the fact.

So anyway, that was my long-winded way of explaining that I didn’t watch the speech, I read a transcript of it instead.  My general impression is, as just about always with Obama, the man delivers a good speech.  When it comes to the general themes, there wasn’t just a whole lot I disagreed with.  We as a nation absolutely need to get back into the business of making stuff.  There is absolutely too much incentive for companies to move jobs to other nations.  We absolutely need to do a better job of getting the unemployed the skills they need to match up with the jobs that are available.  We absolutely need to invest into this country, into infrastructure and into education.  We need tax reform.  We need a smarter, more efficient government.

But I have come to terms with the fact that as good as President Obama is at delivering speeches, he is just not as good at pushing his agenda (at least his spoken agenda) through Congress and into law.  I think this is where Obama’s lack of experience bites him.  I think Obama sees his job as creating a general vision and setting priorities, then it’s up to Congress to draft up the specifics to fulfill that vision and work on those priorities.  And while that might be a nice notion, that’s not how things work in Washington.  One side is working actively against you, while the other side is too incompetent to help.

I believe this is where my frustration with Obama stems.  In the areas where I agree with him, he is unable to do much without Congressional action.  Now I do realize that it would be tough to do anything with this bunch we have right now (their low approval rating is well-deserved!).  But I do believe that a more experienced statesman could have perhaps squeezed a little more results even out of this group.  On the other hand, the areas where I don’t agree with Obama, those are areas where either Obama can act without Congressional action or where Congress chooses not to take action to prevent the President from implementing certain policies (this is mainly foreign policy/terrorism/civil liberty type issues).  So this is why he comes off as so bad to me, he has no obstacle from implementing policies I don’t like, while he gets stymied from implementing anything I do like.

But I am not sure where else to go.  It’s not like the Republicans are offering an alternative to those policies that I don’t like, and then of course they disagree with Obama’s policies everywhere else.  This is likely going to be a lesser of the two evils type of vote, and boy if the Republicans actually nominate Newt Gingrich, they are going to make that choice easy!

I guess I need to educate myself on newts, since one somehow just won the South Carolina primary and did it in a big way.  Now I don’t understand why on Earth we would want a slimy amphibian to run this country, but since it is possible that it will win the nomination, I think it is only fair that I study up on the newts and try to discover what makes this individual species of newt special.

• Most newts are characterized by a frog-like body and a distinct tail.  However, the species of newt being considered for President, known as the Gingrich, is characterized by a frog-like head and a distinct obnoxious personality.

The Gingrich

A frog

• Newts are typically fickle about their mating partners.  The Gingrich is no different.  The Gingrich will choose a partner.  However, as that partner ages and becomes sick, the Gingrich will search for a new, younger, healthier partner.
• Newts are known to have the ability to regenerate its heart.  The Gingrich left his first partner while she was recovering from cancer and refused to support their offspring.  The Gingrich left his second partner after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and the doctor asked he not put any stress on her.  The Gingrich does not have a heart.
• Many newts produce toxins in their skin secretions as a defense mechanism against predators.  The Gingrich produces sanctimonious anger as a defense mechanism against his predator known as the media, who often come armed with the truth.

I think it was important to produce this little primer about the Gingrich as I heard this morning that many South Carolina voters were like me and didn’t know much about it.  This is perfectly understandable as the Gingrich has only been found in the D.C. area for around 34 years and only managed to rise to the lowly position of Speaker of the House during his time there.  So yes, he’s a total unknown.  But now that I’ve done my homework, if it comes down to a choice between the Gingrich and the “muslim”, I think I’m going to stick with the “muslim”.   At least the “muslim” is not a icky salamander.

Vermin Supreme

Pros:

• Strong dental plan.  Includes winged monkeys acting as tooth fairies.
• Strong supporter of scientific research.  Namely, he supports time machine research so we can go back and kill Hitler.
• Promises a pony for every American.
• Plans to promote zombie apocalypse awareness. Also supports converting to zombie energy.
• Increased support from 2008 New Hampshire primary by over 2000%.

Cons:

• Country’s electorate has bias against people who wear boots on their heads.
• So far only on New Hampshire ballot.
• Increasing his support by 2000% still only means 831 votes.  In other words, he trails Obama.  By a lot.

Campaign Slogan: Better teeth for a better America.

Stephen Colbert

Pros:

• Has a national television show.
• Has backing of a super PAC (Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, which has already purchased $10,000 of ads in South Carolina.)
• Transferring control of his super PAC (to fellow Comedy Central newsman Jon Stewart) on television demonstrates more transparency than you would typically see from a PAC.
• Campaign highlights absurdity of our current campaign finance rules.
• A poll has him ahead of Jon Huntsman in South Carolina.  Seriously.  He’s also not far behind Rick Perry and Ron Paul.

Cons:

• Has not officially entered race.  Only has formed exploratory committee.
• Only has plans for South Carolina.
• No clear path to get on South Carolina’s ballot.  South Carolina also doesn’t allow write-in votes.
• Technically part of the 1%.

Campaign Slogan:  First to secede, first to succeed.

Dale Peterson

Pros:

• Has that endearing Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino curmudgeon’s personality going for him.
• Hates thugs and criminals.
• Also not fond of stealing yard signs.

Cons:

• Last campaign he failed to win Republican nomination for Alabama agriculture commissioner (finished 3rd)
• Presidential campaign hasn’t seem to have gained any footing whatsoever.

Campaign Slogan:  It’s time to do a little more straight-talk, and a little less waltzing.

Mickey Mouse

Pros:

• Manages to get thousands of write-in votes even though he has never actually ran for office.
• Very popular with kids.
• Major reason for success of large corporation (The Walt Disney Company).

Cons:

• Has failed once again to show interest in running.
• Supporters have not updated the Mickey Mouse For President website.
• Mice may not meet the constitutional requirements for President.
• May in fact be a fictional character.
• Mickey Mouse Club might be a cult.

Yeah, yeah, this is a joke.  But so are many of the “mainstream” candidates.

Related articles

• Colbert Makes Big Announcement About Presidential Run (huffingtonpost.com)

New Hampshire has all of 12 delegates on the line this Tuesday (1,144 is needed to win the nomination).  But do you know how many delegates were on the line last Tuesday in Iowa?  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  Goose Egg.  That’s right.  So whether Mitt Romney won or Rick Santorum won or whoever, it was all meaningless.  The Iowa caucus vote is non-binding.  A separate vote held the same night chooses delegates…..for the county conventions to be held later.  Then the county conventions select delegates….for the State Convention to be held at even a later date.  Finally at that convention, sometime in June, delegates are chosen for the National Convention.  And those delegates can support any candidate they want.  Makes the obsessing over which candidate “won” in Iowa seem pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it?

Now on the one hand, if the parties want to continue to let Iowa and New Hampshire have all this influence, perhaps that should be their prerogative.  But on the other hand, since they do decide to give these states extra influence in the nomination process, it’s not a stretch to believe that these states also gain extra influence over this country’s policies (ethanol subsidies anybody?).  So maybe it does matter.  Either way, it would just seem to me that a better process would either involve rotating the order of the primaries among the states or just having everyone vote on the same day (maybe a side benefit of this second option would be that it might shorten the election cycle?).

I expect both parties will get right on this.  Thanks in advance! 

Related articles

• The Real Results Of The Iowa Caucus: Hardly Anybody Voted, And Nobody Won Anything (huffingtonpost.com)

Why not?  Everyone else makes predictions.  How hard could it be?  So this will all happen in 2012.

• Frustrated by the lack of ability to find somebody better than Mitt Romney, Republicans will instead nominate Ronald Reagan’s legacy.  Should the legacy be elected, a Super Ronnie Committee will be formed to base decisions based on interpretations of Reagan’s legacy as it has been reshaped since his death.
• Donald Trump and that idiot that used to be governor of Alaska will continue to threaten to run for President.  Their ego will continue to believe that people care, but somehow their instincts will allow them to avoid actually entering the contest and getting crushed and ending the speculation.
• People will realize that debating Tim Tebow’s skills as a quarterback and/or his relationship to God is a pointless exercise and he will just be another NFL quarterback.
• Becoming even more emboldened, Republicans will stop with any pretense otherwise and go all in with support for the rich job creators and propose totally flipping the tax brackets, allowing the rich job creators to pay no taxes while the poor dredges of society pay 35%.  The rich job creators will be defined as those earning more than $200,000 annually.  Democrats will of course fight back.  They will “compromise” with the GOP, raising the definition to $225,000.  There will be much praise that government still works for the people.
• We will bomb another country.  I mean, chances are we will, right?
• This is the year we finally learn that chemtrails are real after all!
• The world will cease to exist on December 21st at 11:59:59 pm.  The world will resume its existence on December 22nd at 12:00:00 am.
• This blog will become bigger than Google, Facebook, and YouTube combined!
• I will have my first injury-free calendar year as a runner.
• Just so that I get at least one prediction right, none of the above predictions will become true (except for the one about running, I really, REALLY want that to happen, darn it!).

Happy New Year!

You may have thought when President Barack Obama released his long form birth certificate, that would have for all practical purposes ended the so-called “birther” movement in this country.  But this is Alabama.  We speak English.  We also apparently file stupid lawsuits.  A Birmingham man did just that when he filed a suit seeking to remove Obama from the Democratic primary ballot this past Friday.  The basis is of course the claim that Obama is not a natural-born citizen of this country and thus is ineligible to be President.  Sigh.

Dear nation, please do not judge this state based on our more intelligent deficient members.  I know things like this makes it easy to make fun of our state, but you have to believe me, we aren’t all this dumb.  It’s just that our idiots have a knack for finding attention.  This is but one fool.  I’m sure he means well.  He just can’t help himself.

Despite the “staggering evidence” (common sense not included, though I imagine a lot of ‘interwebs’ material will be) that this guy supposedly has, hopefully the court does not waste time with this.  Suppose we somehow shift into some alternate universe and Obama is found not to be a U.S. citizen.  You know what is going to happen if Obama is on the ballot in 2012 in this state.  He is going to lose!  I’ve been here long enough to know there is no way in blue hell that this state is going to vote Barack Obama over ANY Republican candidate.  I don’t think Obama will even step foot into this state campaigning.  Why bother?  Since this state (like almost all states) is a winner-take-all electoral vote system, Obama is going to get the exact number of electoral votes whether he campaigns here or not, whether he gets any votes or not, zero.  He may as well not even be on the ballot.  What damages would there be to this guy????

Now I am really being ridiculous here, but this is a pretty ridiculous issue!  This guy has nothing to fear, Obama will go down in flames in Alabama in 2012.  Heck, if the economy doesn’t turn around, Obama is going to have his hands full in ANY state!  So let’s use our limited resources on more serious issues, like chemtrails, reptoid lizard people, and the satanic, evil, phallic symbols at Denver International Airport and finding out why the heck aren’t these being asked about at the Republican debates?!!!

I actually tried to watch the debate last night.  You know, I figured I would be a good citizen and try to watch at least one, right?  Only made it about 20 minutes though.  Between the blithering at the beginning about how important the democratic process is, the stupid questions, the similarity of the positions of all the candidates, and the format that only allows for sixty-second soundbite friendly responses, I got bored.  Reading transcripts online is just so much faster.  Anyway, here were some things said that annoyed me.

• “And if you will, how many jobs do you think you can create and how long will that take?” - Diane Sawyer - Right off the bat, a stupid question. Yes, the President has so much control over the economy that he/she can dictate exactly how many jobs they will create and how long it will take.  Really?    The only jobs a President can directly create are staff position jobs.  Other than that, the impact of policy on job creation is simply not quantifiable, and it’s not fair to ask.

• “My proposal actually does create 11.5 million jobs…..” – Mitt Romney – Sigh.  At this point, Mitt will say anything he thinks will help him win, won’t he?  (To be fair, I know other politicians, including Obama, have been guilty of trying to quantify job creation too.)

• “Let’s not forget that only one President has ever cut Medicare for seniors in this country and it’s Barack Obama.” – Mitt Romney – Oh Obama, burn! In your face!  Of course, it’s not true.  And if you are serious about balancing the budget, then getting the costs of Medicare under control better be on your agenda, too, Mr. Romney.  But don’t let facts get in the way of a good slam!

• “We can cut government bureaucracy which is Obama Care.  NFIB tells us, that’s the small business agency, that we will lose 1.6 million jobs over five years if we keep Obama Care.” – Michelle Bachmann  -  OK, for one, the NFIB is A small business advocacy group, not some sort of unbiased (and certainly not THE) agency.  For another, the study she is citing was completed over a year before the Affordable Health Care Act was passed based on a theoretical proposal which, as you might imagine, was quite different from the law that was actually passed.  So that study has no relevance whatsoever.  (As an aside, isn’t actually using the term “Affordable Health Care Act” instead of Obama Care considered a faux pas in Republican circles?)

• “I’ll tell you what.  Ten thousand bucks?  $10,000 bet?” – Mitt Romney – This was said in response to Rick Perry’s assertion that Romney supported the individual mandate countrywide in his book.  It just comes off a schoolyard comeback.  ‘Uh-huh.  Ah-huh.  Uh-huh.  Ah-huh.  You wanna bet?!!!’  (Some have said that Romney’s mistake here is that he used such a big dollar amount.  Hmm.  I don’t think the fact that Romney is rich is exactly a big shocker.  Yes, he’s a lot better of financially than most people.  So is everyone else that is running.  “Common” folks can’t and don’t run for President.  Everyone knows this, right?)

• “These people are terrorists.  They teach terrorism in their schools.  They have textbooks that say ‘if there are 13 Jews and 9 Jews are killed, how many are left?’…” – Newt Gringrich - Said in reference to the Palestinians.  Now personally I wished we didn’t get involved in such conflicts as the one between the Israelis and Palestinians.  But if we are going to insist on saying that we can help broker a deal between the two sides, it’s probably best not to go out of our way to insult one of those sides.  (Calling one of the sides “invented people” doesn’t help either.)  Hard to claim impartiality when you do so.  This is the kind of stuff that terrorist organizations use for propaganda.  (Also, that textbook claim just has all the trappings of a gross exaggeration, some ridiculous claim based on chain e-mail or something.)

• “And we let the Israeli leadership describe what they think is the right course of action.” And also, “Before I make a statement of that nature, I get on the phone with my friend Bibi Netanyahu, and say ‘would it help if I say this?  What would you like me to do?  Let’s work together because we’re partners.’” – Mitt Romney – Mitt, that’s all fine and dandy, but Israel doesn’t let me have a vote in their elections.  So I would prefer that the leaders of this nations show leadership and make decisions based on what is in the best interest of the United States, not to let Israel dictate our policy decisions.
  

• “We have one shot to get rid of ObamaCare, that’s it. It is 2012.” – Michelle Bachmann – Yes, one shot.  Because if Obama is re-elected, the world ends and there will never be another opportunity to pass legislation ever again.  Ever!  Ever ever!

• “Governor Terry Branstad is my role model.” – Newt Gingrich – Wow!  The debate is in Iowa where the first vote for the Republican nomination will be held, and the governor of Iowa just happens to be your role model.  What are the odds?  That sure is some good luck right there, let me tell you.  Either that, or Newt Gingrich is the biggest suck up in the world.  Yeah, it’s probably that.

I really wished the Republican party was serving up a better selection.

This gesture is totally misunderstood! He's just shielding his eyes from the brilliance.

• It was recently revealed that during the financial crisis, the Federal Reserve let the banks borrow $7.8 trillion (and $1.2 trillion in one day alone).  Yes, trillion.  With a “t”.  OK, so that’s a freakin’ lot of money (makes that $700 billion of TARP money that everyone likes to whine about seem pretty insignificant, doesn’t it?) .  Fortunately, they kept this information (with the Fed’s help) secret from Congress so they wouldn’t know how bad it really was.  Wouldn’t want the peons to regulate the brilliant banking executives who clearly know best.  Imagine how much money they would have needed if they didn’t know what they were doing?   They didn’t tell stockholders either.  Why should the peons that technically own the company know how the company is actually doing?It’s ok though.  At least they were just loans.  We will get that money back, plus interest.  Sweet, sweet interest.  Let’s just check that rate.   Wait?  It says the rate was below market value?  Um, how much?  As low as 0.01%?  Does that even count as an interest rate?  Geez.  So the banks took that money and then lent it out at market value, likely buying treasury bonds.  So the U.S. gave the money to the banks at basically no interest just so they could borrow it back with interest?  F’n brilliant.
• The Republicans have finally chosen a moderator for one of their debates that will get to the real issues.  That man is Donald Trump.  Man, I hope the candidates have to compete in a “challenge” where they have to sell overpriced pizzas or something to donors before they all go to the “boardroom” where somebody will be “fired”.  Maybe the next debate can be on an island where the candidates can compete for “immunity”.  F’n brilliant.
• Herman Cain dropped out of the race after it was revealed that he had a 13 year affair with another woman (or “friendship” as he calls it).  Thank goodness he also announced that he was going to be sticking around with a new website called “Cain Solutions”.  Because we need to have solutions to the issues of the day, such as the Chinese getting nuclear weapons 45 years ago or that Libyan war position, as soon as he remembers it.  F’n brilliant.
• Republicans are fighting tooth and nail to keep this country from extending the payroll tax cut.  Clearly while tax cuts for the wealthy “job creators” don’t need to be “paid for”, tax cuts for the rest of us do.  Merry Christmas.  F’n brilliant.
• I saw an ad for a new Carlos Mencia “comedy” special.  That guy is still around?  F’n brilliant.

I bet you are saying that this blog is f’n brilliant right now!

Twilight spoiler.

Do not read on if you don’t want to know what’s going to happen in the next few months.  I’m impatient and had to know what was going to happen so I skipped ahead.  Go on now……..are you still here?  Okay, but don’t blame me for spoiling it all for you.  These are truly shocking:

• The twelve member “super committee” either did not reach an agreement to reduce the deficit, or the deal they reached failed to pass both houses of Congress.  All I know is nothing got done. Very surprising to me.  For one, this was no ordinary committee, this was a SUPER committee!  For another,  I would have thought that the circumstances that haven’t allowed Congress to work together would have magically disappeared over the last three months or so.

• Mitt Romney won the Republican nomination.  Once again, a big surprise considering the stiff competition he is facing. I mean, you have the guy who can’t remember his talking points during the debates, the guy who can’t remember his talking points in answering even the most basic of foreign policy questions and also likes to harass women, the guy who is a pompous arrogant ass who actually created fictional Twitter followers and who’s new platform seems to be that the media sucks and should stop asking him questions, the woman who passes on medical information received by random supporters, the libertarian fellow that is way to anti-war for the Republican folk, and Jon Huntsman.  How did Romney ever survive all that?

• Jerry Sandusky is burning in hell.  (I hope to never ever witness the things that some witness Sandusky do.  But if I do, I truly hope I have the strength to do the right thing regardless of any consequences I may personally suffer.  Because something like that has to be worth losing your job over, hasn’t it?  Too many people failed those kids.)

• Thanksgiving will continue to be marginalized as a holiday.  Heck, the town I work in already has its Christmas decorations up this week, over a week away from Thanksgiving.  Consumerism is killing this holiday.  Black Friday is slowly but steadily becoming Black Thursday, as more and more stores are opening and starting their big deals on the holiday itself.  I think it is a real shame, as Thanksgiving is a great family holiday.  But stores only open if people are willing to go there and spend money.  So there is no reason to believe that this trend won’t continue.

• The new Twilight movie made a ton of money.  Once again, I did not go see it, preferring to waterboard myself.

Sorry to ruin the future for you.  Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone! (I already know you did!)

I decided to check out their websites.  Very informative!

Pimps up, hoes down!

Herman Cain: The Issues:

• I have already come up with a tax plan which will spur economic growth and lead this country to prosperity, the 9-9-9 plan.  But I know that’s only one part of the equation.  Government also must get spending under control.  That is why I have proposed the 6-6-6 plan.  That’s $6 billion social programs, $6 billion on mandatory spending, and $6 billion on discretionary spending (defense spending is excluded because everyone knows you can never spend enough on defense!).  This proposal will cut federal spending by at least $2.5 trillon.  Also, the 6-6-6 plan will freak out Michelle Bachmann.
• As President, I pledge a hot chick in every pot.  You fellas know what I am talking about!  But ladies, I haven’t forgotten about you.  For you, I promise you more Cain!  The Lincoln bedroom will be open and there will be full disclosure!  This will be the most transparent administration in history if you know what I mean!  Oh yeah ladies! (Campaign Manager note:  The Cain campaign is currently negotiating a sexual harassment settlement on behalf of Herman Cain with all the female citizens of this fine nation.  Herman Cain is unaware of the details of this, so don’t ask him!  The campaign would like to apologize for Herman Cain.  Once again, that is Herman being Herman and unfortunately Herman is a horn dog.)
• I am well aware of the global issues that could adversely impact the world economy.  I have studied up on tragedy in Greece.  Fortunately my studies have revealed that these are merely plays!  It’s all make-believe people!  I hope this revelation will settle the markets.
• For a limited time only, buy 4 years of President Cain and get 4 years free!
• As President, I will revive the economy just as I as CEO revived Godfather’s Pizza.  Just as I led Godfather’s Pizza from fourth in pizza chain market share to eighth in pizza chain market share, I will do the same for the United States of America!

Wee dawgies! Don't mess with Texas!

Rick Perry:  Issues:

• I have already revealed my lil’ tax plan that you can put on that lil’ post card.  But now I have an even better idea to cut spendin’.  I call it the postage stamp budget plan.  The budget will fit on a stamp.  Put all the little line items, slap it on a stamp, and send er on in.  Tee hee hee!  It’s awesome!
• You know how I love slogans.  “Live Free Or Die”, “Victory Or Death”, hehe, “Bring It!”.  As President, I will adopt a national slogan.  It will be “America, Fuck Yeah!”.  Hehe!  I stole that from a movie.  Team America: World Police.  Speaking of that, Trey Parker and Matt Stone will be brought aboard as national security advisors.  Tee hee!  Those guys have some great ideas.  Suck on my balls Iran!  Hehe!
• When I am elected President, I will put out an executive order banning gifts of “liquid gold” unless there’s some damn vodka and Galliano in it and not some sorry ass maple syrup!  Hehe.  Kevin, brother, you know I’m just kidding.  But seriously, maple syrup?  You know how nasty that was when I took a swig!  Asshole!  Tee hee hee!
• As President, I will ban debates.  They require things that make me look dumb.  Like talkin’.  I’m smart, damn it!  I got gold stars in Kindergarten for such things as tying my shoes right, you know, useful things.  Not high-falutin’ things like speakin’.  In fact, I challenge my opponents to forget ’bout the debates and let’s have a good ‘ol-fashioned skeet-shootin’ contest, Texas-style!  Unless y’all are yella?!

Darn it.  Still a complete toss-up.  What will I do?  Thank goodness there is still time and about hundred Republican debates to go.  Unless Perry can convince them on that skeet-shooting thing.