Occupy Presidential Candidates (Lesser Known Candidates From The 99%!) January 14, 2012
Posted by gesvol in Politics.Tags: 2012 election candidates, 2012 Presidential Campaign, 2012 presidential candidates, Dale Peterson, humor, Mickey Mouse, political humor, Stephen Colbert, Vermin Supreme
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I, for one, am tired of the candidates produced by the top 1%. Is this really the best we as a nation have to offer? I say it’s not. It is time to stop limiting ourselves to the top 1%. It is time to turn to the other 99%! As it so happens, there are…ahem….options. Let me give you a rundown on just a few.
Pros:
- Strong dental plan. Includes winged monkeys acting as tooth fairies.
- Strong supporter of scientific research. Namely, he supports time machine research so we can go back and kill Hitler.
- Promises a pony for every American.
- Plans to promote zombie apocalypse awareness. Also supports converting to zombie energy.
- Increased support from 2008 New Hampshire primary by over 2000%.
Cons:
- Country’s electorate has bias against people who wear boots on their heads.
- So far only on New Hampshire ballot.
- Increasing his support by 2000% still only means 831 votes. In other words, he trails Obama. By a lot.
Campaign Slogan: Better teeth for a better America.
Pros:
- Has a national television show.
- Has backing of a super PAC (Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, which has already purchased $10,000 of ads in South Carolina.)
- Transferring control of his super PAC (to fellow Comedy Central newsman Jon Stewart) on television demonstrates more transparency than you would typically see from a PAC.
- Campaign highlights absurdity of our current campaign finance rules.
- A poll has him ahead of Jon Huntsman in South Carolina. Seriously. He’s also not far behind Rick Perry and Ron Paul.
Cons:
- Has not officially entered race. Only has formed exploratory committee.
- Only has plans for South Carolina.
- No clear path to get on South Carolina’s ballot. South Carolina also doesn’t allow write-in votes.
- Technically part of the 1%.
Campaign Slogan: First to secede, first to succeed.
Pros:
- Has that endearing Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino curmudgeon’s personality going for him.
- Hates thugs and criminals.
- Also not fond of stealing yard signs.
Cons:
- Last campaign he failed to win Republican nomination for Alabama agriculture commissioner (finished 3rd)
- Presidential campaign hasn’t seem to have gained any footing whatsoever.
Campaign Slogan: It’s time to do a little more straight-talk, and a little less waltzing.
Pros:
- Manages to get thousands of write-in votes even though he has never actually ran for office.
- Very popular with kids.
- Major reason for success of large corporation (The Walt Disney Company).
Cons:
- Has failed once again to show interest in running.
- Supporters have not updated the Mickey Mouse For President website.
- Mice may not meet the constitutional requirements for President.
- May in fact be a fictional character.
- Mickey Mouse Club might be a cult.
Yeah, yeah, this is a joke. But so are many of the “mainstream” candidates.
Related articles
- Colbert Makes Big Announcement About Presidential Run (huffingtonpost.com)
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