Congratulations New Birmingham Mayor William Bell…Here, Treat Yourself To A $50M Deficit!

Posted: January 31, 2010 in Current Events
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Well Mr. Bell, it looks like your good friend Larry Langford left you a present.  Despite Larry’s claims that Birmingham had the money to pay for the many projects that he was proposing, it seems that Birmingham is now staring at a massive revenue shortfall for 2010.  Amazing, a one-cent tax hike does not give you an endless stream of revenue.  Who knew?

$50 Million Deficit Looms For Birmingham

That was awfully kind of Larry to leave such a large gift.  Always thinking of others that guy is.  Maybe that’s why he didn’t think to put over $20 million of necessities (you know, things like phone bills and utilities, unimportant stuff) into the original budget.  One can only think of so much you know.  And Larry had a lot on his mind.  Taking bribes and covering it up can take up a lot of one’s mental capacity.  But he was doing it all for the good of the city he loved (just didn’t love it enough to actually live in it)!

Obviously this is going to put the future of lot of projects, including the dome, in doubt (and please, let’s kill the committee looking into the Olympics NOW!).  But maybe that’s not necessary.  I have a plan!  In fact, it involves the man who helped get us into this mess!  Of course, that man is Larry Langford.  You see, this man has a gift.  It just so happens that he is the luckiest man alive (OK, lucky in gambling, not legal matters)!  Over the course of 3 years, Larry won more than 500 jackpots raking in more than $1.5 million dollars in earnings!  Sure, there is some jealous gambler that claims this was a fraud.  But a man of Larry’s character has to be believed, right?

So this is what we have to do.  First, we have to bust Larry out of jail.  It’s for the greater good.  Then we will have to give him a disguise.  If I have learned anything from Superman, it’s that removing his glasses should suffice.  Also, stay away from green glowing rocks and bald guys.  But that’s neither here nor there.  Next, we give him some money out of the city’s reserve.  We will then send him to Vegas, where he can win some real money!  It will be just like The Hangover, except everyone will still have all their teeth and will be wearing pants!  When you need money, you can just win it, certainly when you are as talented as Lucky Larry!  Larry should be able to win $50 million in no time.  Send that money back to Birmingham and, just like that, problem solved!

Brilliant, right?   Oh, and Birmingham, you’re welcome!

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