Latest Terror Attack Attempts Suggest New Suspects

Posted: May 8, 2010 in Current Events
Tags: , , , , ,

In light of the recent Time Squares car bomb attempt and previous terror attack attempt by Mr. “Wait Until I Get My ‘Splodin Hanes On You”, I think it is time to reevaluate the terrorist watch list.  I am not sure we are dealing with Al Qaeda anymore.  The “training” just doesn’t seem consistent with that group.  It certainly doesn’t seem like we are dealing with some group of evil super villains.  So just who are we dealing with?  I have my suspects:

Gargamel

Known racist.   Has a particular hatred toward little blue people.  Has evil cat named Azrael.  Once tried to use a “blue” magnet in an attempt at genocide.  This plan, like all of his plans, ultimately ended in failure, which has been the calling-card for the recent terror attempts seen in this country.

Doctor Claw

Heads a terrorist organization named “M.A.D.”  Despite the best intelligence gathering efforts from this country as well as others, no pictures of his face exist.  His location is also unknown, but it is known that wherever that location is, there are constant thunderstorms.  Has an evil cat named MAD Cat.  Has hatched many a terrorist plot over the years, but is always foiled by a bungling inspector and a 10 year-old girl.

Doctor Evil


Runs a terrorist organization (name unknown).  Has an evil cat named Mr. Bigglesworth.  Is believed to have cloned himself.  Is known to be in pursuit of weapons of mass destruction (specifically sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads).  Plots always foiled by shaggadelic international men of mystery.

So what can we tell here?  Well, clearly we need to start profiling for men with cats.  And white guys who are balding.  Still, I just think I am missing something.  Wait, let me have another look at the failed bomb.

What a cartoonish looking clock.  Wait, I think I have seen that clock before.  Let me check:

Yes, that’s where I saw it!  And what did bomb experts say about the bomb?

“I call this a Rube Goldberg contraption,” Mr. Cavanaugh said.

“It’s the ‘swing-the-arm-with-the-shoe-that-hits-the-ball-and-knocks-over-a-stick-that-knocks-something-off-a-shelf,’ ” he said, “and it is all supposed to work.”

How could I be so stupid?  How could I not connect the dots?  ACME materials?  Rube Goldberg contraption?  Heck, check out the cover of the ACME catalog!  The responsible party is now clear!

Wile E. Coyote

This is who is training the terrorists!  He needs to be put on the no-fly list immediately!  We need to order as many anvils as we can get our hands on!  We also need to learn how to lure coyotes to areas with cliffs!  No, I don’t need Jack Bauer.  Get me the Road Runner!  We can win this “war on terror” yet!

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