Archive for March, 2011

Alabama Is Winning!

Posted: March 28, 2011 in Miscellaneous
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Our software engineers are most definitely winning!

And frankly we are tired of all of the naysayers saying otherwise!  They don’t understand us folks with the wild turkey blood and Bear Bryant DNA!  But I will try to simplify this for you normal folks, but be warned, it might melt your face off.

  • Alabama is taking a pass at going for the federal funds for high speed rail.  We are focusing our transportation strategy around this hot new invention called the automobile.  Introduced in the U.S. by the Duryea brothers a mere two hundred years ago or so, we really think the automobile is going to be the future!  Sure, a side effect of this mode of transportation is that weather men often have to use air quotes around “sunny day” due to all the smog.  But the lack of breathable air is a small price to pay for cutting edge technology!
  • Our homeland security is second to none!  Just this week, our Birmingham police squad responded to a call placed because a shoe box on a picnic table was outside the post office.  Following their training, the police exploded the shoe box open to find…..a pair of shoes!  Raise the terrorist threat level, Al Qaeda is now attacking us with shoes!  And they are cleverly hiding them in shoe boxes!  Those fiends!
  • When it comes to taxes, we do it best!  First, don’t let a county have the ability to determine how to implement its own taxes, do that at the state level so that people with no dog in the fight can have their say.  Then, make sure that special interest groups are exempt from paying the given tax.  After all, it’s only fair that the doctor’s receptionist pay the tax, not the doctor!  Next, when people who are not doctors and such get all uppity about the unfairness of the situation, pass replacement laws but makes sure to tack on something for unrelated pork projects.  Finally, when people whine about that, pass a law but don’t follow the rules to make sure that law won’t pass constitutional muster either.  Watch lawyers get rich.  Yay, we have no money!  I for one am nostalgic for the long lines at the courthouse!  You get to know people that way, right?  Winning.
  • When our corporate crooks go to jail (eventually), it can only mean one thing.  Yard sale!
  • When you lose your party’s primary for the nomination for an Alabama state office, it means you are ready to run for United States President!  Just ask Dale Peterson or Roy Moore!  Because in Alabama, losing is still winning!

If you fools and trolls still don’t believe Alabama is bitchin’ perfect, then I will make this final point that even terrestrial minds can understand.  Last two NCAA college football championships?  Right here in Alabama!   Duh!  Winning!

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Yay!  A new war.  Just what this country needed!  So let me see if I have this straight.  We as a country do not have the money to fund NPR.  We as a country do not have the money to fund the IRS.  We as a country do not have the money to fund inspections by the FDA.  We as a country do not have the money to fix our bridges.  We as a country do not have the money to fund Pell Grants.  We as a country do not have the money to fund Head Start.  We as a country do not have the money for home heating for the poor.  But we as a country do have the money to not only fund two ongoing wars, but start a brand new one?

Obama has used up all the benefit of the doubt that I was giving him.  The one small nugget that I was holding onto was the fact that we hadn’t gotten into any new wars since Obama had gotten elected, and now that’s down the drain.  Heck, even when this was going through the U.N., I still thought that maybe just this once we would let the other countries handle it if they wanted to get involved.  I shouldn’t have been so naive, but I was giving Obama the benefit of the doubt.  I was wrong.

Obama claims that this action is necessary because we must answer the calls of “threatened people”.  Um, there are “threatened people” all over the world.  If that’s the justification, you could use that to justify military action anywhere, including the Iraqi war that you, Obama, opposed.  Hell, let’s invade Detroit too.  Though it’s funny how we cherry pick which “threatened people” we choose against government force.  Apparently it’s ok for Saudi Arabia, UAE, and Bahrain to use its military to quash protests.  Guess which people have rights depends on who has the oil and whether or not they are supposedly our ally.

Further, while Gaddafi is no doubt a ruthless dictator, it’s not like he is responding unprovoked.  People have taken up arms against him.  Really it’s a civil war, which are rarely a pure battle between good and evil.  And while it would be good to get rid of an oppressive dictatorship, who’s to say that the rebel group won’t simply replace him with their own oppressive dictatorship?  There’s really not that much evidence that the rebels are any more “good guys” than Gaddafi loyalists.  In fact, it is very likely that some of the people fighting against Gaddafi HAVE FOUGHT AGAINST THE UNITED STATES IN IRAQ.  WTF?

Oh, but Obama says we have a broad coalition conducting and supporting this effort.  Wow, that sounds familiar.  And guess what, it’s not any more true now as it was then.  The United States is doing all the work, like always in these supposed international military operations.  Oh, but this time we have support from the Arab League.  Well we did, for about 12 hours.  They have now condemned our attack on Libya, apparently because they were under the odd notion that military action did not involve blowing things up and killing people.

When it comes to our foreign/national defense policy, which was VERY important to me, it becomes harder and harder to tell what the difference between the decisions being made by the Obama administration and the decisions that would be made by the Bush administration (or McCain’s for that matter, had he won).  Obama takes longer before making the same wrong conclusion?  He doesn’t even make the pretense of getting Congressional approval before approving military operations?  Really, what’s the difference?

Ah, Cindy Sheehan has explained it!

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Don't worry. I'm not talking about a sequel to a really bad overhyped turd of a movie from the nineties.

Crazy things happening in the Midwest, where newly elected Republicans are flexing their political muscles big-time in an effort to consolidate their own power and weaken traditional Democratic leaning groups.  First, in Wisconsin, you had Governor Scott Walker and his party suddenly figure out that passing something should be a whole lot easier with the Democrats out of town!  So finally they took a gander at the rule book and decided there was a way to pass stuff without a quorum after all.  Just like that, bye-bye collective bargaining rights for teachers and other public workers (except for cops and firefighters, because they are real ‘Muricans).  Well thank goodness the teachers and their runaway $50,000 salaries and big benefits that were causing us to go broke were stopped!  We all know that the only people who deserve big salaries and bonuses are big bankers!  Wonder where those folks got their educations?  Meh, probably doesn’t matter.

But not to be outdone, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder wants to have the power to unilaterally eliminate cities and towns.  That’s right, he decides your town can’t do your town’s business right, he just eliminates your town.  That’s if he decides to retain that power.  He also reserves the right to hand that power off to a corporation, because corporations are so smart, always do the right thing, and never ever get into financial problems that require some sort of huge bailout.  Of course, he (or his chosen corporation) could just choose to fire your locally elected official (hmm, I swore locally elected officials worked for the local people and not the state governor, but what do I know?).

Sounds like something exaggerated or just outright false from a forwarded e-mail, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, it’s not.  It’s true, so so depressingly true. And this is not one of those pieces of legislation that you sometimes see proposed at the state level by some wingnut representative that makes headlines but has no prayer of actually passing.  A version of this bill has passed both state houses.  Snyder says he will sign it.  All that has to be done is some minor reconciliation work between the two versions and this will be law.

Snyder says that removing elected officials would be a “last resort”.  But my question is since when is the financial affairs of a local municipality the business of the state government?  Are these suppose to be the small, less intrusive government solutions?  How would Snyder and his Republican cohorts in Michigan feel if Obama enacted legislation that gave him the power to step in and take over financially troubled states (which there are many including Michigan), fire Snyder, and ultimately decide just to dissolve Michigan as a state?

I have that when voters in states like Wisconsin and Michigan decided to hand over the keys to the Republican party, if this was the trip they thought they were going to take?

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Yeeehawww!!!!!  Who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned witch hunt?!!!!  Thank you Peter King of New York!  Let’s get dem dadgum Mooslim turrists!  Peter King says the hearings will be “fair” (which presumes that even having hearings that only focuses on one particular religion is fair in the first place).  C’mon man!  If you are going to do something, don’t do it half-assed!  Do it right!  I want to see torches.  And stakes!  Oh, oh, and don’t forget the stones!  It’s been far too long since we have had a good stoning!  You all know I’m right!

And you are so right Peter King, let’s focus on the Mooslims!   We know that not all Mooslims are turrists, but all turrists are Mooslims.  I mean, let’s just go through the list:

Jarad Al White Dork Alee

 

Chosama
Manureba Ma Veigh
Aeeric Ra’Dolph
Unamuslim

 

Nope, couldn’t find a single non-mooslim.  Carry on Peter King.  You are a real Murican hero!  Yo Joe!!!!….er, I mean Peter!

Figured I steal an article title from one of the few Family Guy bits that I thought was funny back in the day.  Better than calling this article “Tidbits” or “Miscellaneous” or “Random” or “I Don’t Know What To Write About So I’m Just Going To Make A List Of A Bunch Of Different Topics And Maybe I’ll Be Able To Flesh Out A Full-Sized Article”, right?  Right?  Oh alright, moving on:

  • I would have a lot more respect for Wisconsin governor Scott Walker if he would just admit that his goal is busting the teacher’s union, not balancing the budget.  There are actually some points that can be made for not having collective bargaining for the public sector, so it could be a debate worth having.  I am not saying I would be compelled to support stripping union rights, but at least the debate would be actually about the subject at hand, not over a bogus budget crisis.
  • So let’s see if I got this right.  Teachers making $50,000 a year are the filthy greedy rich.  Folks making over $250,000 are the poor hard-working Americans.  Well that makes…..perfect sense?
  • So Fox News suspended the contracts of Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because of their potential Presidential runs?  Whew!  The news network’s unbiased reputation remains intact!
  • I watched the documentary The Tillman Story last night.  I don’t know who makes me angrier. The military that outright lied about the circumstances about his death, and to add even more insult, used his death as a propaganda tool even though Tillman explicitly did not want that? The media who just regurgitates whatever the military dishes out because as long as it is a good story, who cares about the truth (see also: Jessica Lynch)?  Or a Congress that even though has the duty to hold the military that we pay for with our tax dollars responsible make almost no effort to do so?
  • Please, please, please, let’s stay the heck out of Libya’s business!  No one over there wants us involved, and it’s not our job to stick our nose in.  And please heed our own military’s warning over any implementation of a “no-fly zone”.  John McCain called it finding “reasons why you can’t do something rather than why you can.”  No, John, they aren’t saying they can’t do it.  They just want you to know it’s a big freakin’ deal with real costs and real consequences and real lives on the line and maybe you shouldn’t be so cavalier about it!  Let’s remember, Libya has not attacked the United States.
  • Charlie Sheen is actually funny now.  (But then you remember he has kids, and it stops being so funny.)
  • Slipping on a banana peel is not just for cartoons anymore!
  • Releasing mice into your competitor’s restaurants?  Brilliant!
  • That’s all I’ve got.

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