And frankly we are tired of all of the naysayers saying otherwise! They don’t understand us folks with the wild turkey blood and Bear Bryant DNA! But I will try to simplify this for you normal folks, but be warned, it might melt your face off.
- Alabama is taking a pass at going for the federal funds for high speed rail. We are focusing our transportation strategy around this hot new invention called the automobile. Introduced in the U.S. by the Duryea brothers a mere two hundred years ago or so, we really think the automobile is going to be the future! Sure, a side effect of this mode of transportation is that weather men often have to use air quotes around “sunny day” due to all the smog. But the lack of breathable air is a small price to pay for cutting edge technology!
- Our homeland security is second to none! Just this week, our Birmingham police squad responded to a call placed because a shoe box on a picnic table was outside the post office. Following their training, the police exploded the shoe box open to find…..a pair of shoes! Raise the terrorist threat level, Al Qaeda is now attacking us with shoes! And they are cleverly hiding them in shoe boxes! Those fiends!
- When it comes to taxes, we do it best! First, don’t let a county have the ability to determine how to implement its own taxes, do that at the state level so that people with no dog in the fight can have their say. Then, make sure that special interest groups are exempt from paying the given tax. After all, it’s only fair that the doctor’s receptionist pay the tax, not the doctor! Next, when people who are not doctors and such get all uppity about the unfairness of the situation, pass replacement laws but makes sure to tack on something for unrelated pork projects. Finally, when people whine about that, pass a law but don’t follow the rules to make sure that law won’t pass constitutional muster either. Watch lawyers get rich. Yay, we have no money! I for one am nostalgic for the long lines at the courthouse! You get to know people that way, right? Winning.
- When our corporate crooks go to jail (eventually), it can only mean one thing. Yard sale!
- When you lose your party’s primary for the nomination for an Alabama state office, it means you are ready to run for United States President! Just ask Dale Peterson or Roy Moore! Because in Alabama, losing is still winning!
If you fools and trolls still don’t believe Alabama is bitchin’ perfect, then I will make this final point that even terrestrial minds can understand. Last two NCAA college football championships? Right here in Alabama! Duh! Winning!