Archive for November, 2011

Spoiler Alert!

Posted: November 17, 2011 in Current Events, Miscellaneous, Politics

Twilight spoiler.

Do not read on if you don’t want to know what’s going to happen in the next few months.  I’m impatient and had to know what was going to happen so I skipped ahead.  Go on now……..are you still here?  Okay, but don’t blame me for spoiling it all for you.  These are truly shocking:

  • The twelve member “super committee” either did not reach an agreement to reduce the deficit, or the deal they reached failed to pass both houses of Congress.  All I know is nothing got done. Very surprising to me.  For one, this was no ordinary committee, this was a SUPER committee!  For another,  I would have thought that the circumstances that haven’t allowed Congress to work together would have magically disappeared over the last three months or so.
  • Mitt Romney won the Republican nomination.  Once again, a big surprise considering the stiff competition he is facing. I mean, you have the guy who can’t remember his talking points during the debates, the guy who can’t remember his talking points in answering even the most basic of foreign policy questions and also likes to harass women, the guy who is a pompous arrogant ass who actually created fictional Twitter followers and who’s new platform seems to be that the media sucks and should stop asking him questions, the woman who passes on medical information received by random supporters, the libertarian fellow that is way to anti-war for the Republican folk, and Jon Huntsman.  How did Romney ever survive all that?
  • Jerry Sandusky is burning in hell.  (I hope to never ever witness the things that some witness Sandusky do.  But if I do, I truly hope I have the strength to do the right thing regardless of any consequences I may personally suffer.  Because something like that has to be worth losing your job over, hasn’t it?  Too many people failed those kids.)
  • Thanksgiving will continue to be marginalized as a holiday.  Heck, the town I work in already has its Christmas decorations up this week, over a week away from Thanksgiving.  Consumerism is killing this holiday.  Black Friday is slowly but steadily becoming Black Thursday, as more and more stores are opening and starting their big deals on the holiday itself.  I think it is a real shame, as Thanksgiving is a great family holiday.  But stores only open if people are willing to go there and spend money.  So there is no reason to believe that this trend won’t continue.
  • The new Twilight movie made a ton of money.  Once again, I did not go see it, preferring to waterboard myself.

Sorry to ruin the future for you.  Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone! (I already know you did!)

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I really can’t decide between these two.  Obviously these are two real ‘Muricans that are just what this country needs right now.  But until we figure out a way to have co-Presidents, we can only pick one (Unfortunately God told them both to run at the same time.  Oh God, you are such a prankster!)  They both raised the stakes this week with brilliant performances.  You had Rick Perry giving a ‘I’m not drunk or high, this is just my fun lovin’ I’m a just a regular Joe’ speech.  Then you had Herman Cain displaying his overwhelming knowledge of foreign affairs by showing his concern that China seeks to gain the nuclear capability they have had since 1964.

I decided to check out their websites.  Very informative!

Pimps up, hoes down!

Herman Cain: The Issues:

  • I have already come up with a tax plan which will spur economic growth and lead this country to prosperity, the 9-9-9 plan.  But I know that’s only one part of the equation.  Government also must get spending under control.  That is why I have proposed the 6-6-6 plan.  That’s $6 billion social programs, $6 billion on mandatory spending, and $6 billion on discretionary spending (defense spending is excluded because everyone knows you can never spend enough on defense!).  This proposal will cut federal spending by at least $2.5 trillon.  Also, the 6-6-6 plan will freak out Michelle Bachmann.
  • As President, I pledge a hot chick in every pot.  You fellas know what I am talking about!  But ladies, I haven’t forgotten about you.  For you, I promise you more Cain!  The Lincoln bedroom will be open and there will be full disclosure!  This will be the most transparent administration in history if you know what I mean!  Oh yeah ladies! (Campaign Manager note:  The Cain campaign is currently negotiating a sexual harassment settlement on behalf of Herman Cain with all the female citizens of this fine nation.  Herman Cain is unaware of the details of this, so don’t ask him!  The campaign would like to apologize for Herman Cain.  Once again, that is Herman being Herman and unfortunately Herman is a horn dog.)
  • I am well aware of the global issues that could adversely impact the world economy.  I have studied up on tragedy in Greece.  Fortunately my studies have revealed that these are merely plays!  It’s all make-believe people!  I hope this revelation will settle the markets.
  • For a limited time only, buy 4 years of President Cain and get 4 years free!
  • As President, I will revive the economy just as I as CEO revived Godfather’s Pizza.  Just as I led Godfather’s Pizza from fourth in pizza chain market share to eighth in pizza chain market share, I will do the same for the United States of America!

Wee dawgies! Don't mess with Texas!

Rick Perry:  Issues:

  • I have already revealed my lil’ tax plan that you can put on that lil’ post card.  But now I have an even better idea to cut spendin’.  I call it the postage stamp budget plan.  The budget will fit on a stamp.  Put all the little line items, slap it on a stamp, and send er on in.  Tee hee hee!  It’s awesome!
  • You know how I love slogans.  “Live Free Or Die”, “Victory Or Death”, hehe, “Bring It!”.  As President, I will adopt a national slogan.  It will be “America, Fuck Yeah!”.  Hehe!  I stole that from a movie.  Team America: World Police.  Speaking of that, Trey Parker and Matt Stone will be brought aboard as national security advisors.  Tee hee!  Those guys have some great ideas.  Suck on my balls Iran!  Hehe!
  • When I am elected President, I will put out an executive order banning gifts of “liquid gold” unless there’s some damn vodka and Galliano in it and not some sorry ass maple syrup!  Hehe.  Kevin, brother, you know I’m just kidding.  But seriously, maple syrup?  You know how nasty that was when I took a swig!  Asshole!  Tee hee hee!
  • As President, I will ban debates.  They require things that make me look dumb.  Like talkin’.  I’m smart, damn it!  I got gold stars in Kindergarten for such things as tying my shoes right, you know, useful things.  Not high-falutin’ things like speakin’.  In fact, I challenge my opponents to forget ’bout the debates and let’s have a good ‘ol-fashioned skeet-shootin’ contest, Texas-style!  Unless y’all are yella?!

Darn it.  Still a complete toss-up.  What will I do?  Thank goodness there is still time and about hundred Republican debates to go.  Unless Perry can convince them on that skeet-shooting thing.

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