Herman Cain Or Rick Perry….Decisions, Decisions

Posted: November 6, 2011 in Politics
Tags: , , , , ,

I really can’t decide between these two.  Obviously these are two real ‘Muricans that are just what this country needs right now.  But until we figure out a way to have co-Presidents, we can only pick one (Unfortunately God told them both to run at the same time.  Oh God, you are such a prankster!)  They both raised the stakes this week with brilliant performances.  You had Rick Perry giving a ‘I’m not drunk or high, this is just my fun lovin’ I’m a just a regular Joe’ speech.  Then you had Herman Cain displaying his overwhelming knowledge of foreign affairs by showing his concern that China seeks to gain the nuclear capability they have had since 1964.

I decided to check out their websites.  Very informative!

Pimps up, hoes down!

Herman Cain: The Issues:

  • I have already come up with a tax plan which will spur economic growth and lead this country to prosperity, the 9-9-9 plan.  But I know that’s only one part of the equation.  Government also must get spending under control.  That is why I have proposed the 6-6-6 plan.  That’s $6 billion social programs, $6 billion on mandatory spending, and $6 billion on discretionary spending (defense spending is excluded because everyone knows you can never spend enough on defense!).  This proposal will cut federal spending by at least $2.5 trillon.  Also, the 6-6-6 plan will freak out Michelle Bachmann.
  • As President, I pledge a hot chick in every pot.  You fellas know what I am talking about!  But ladies, I haven’t forgotten about you.  For you, I promise you more Cain!  The Lincoln bedroom will be open and there will be full disclosure!  This will be the most transparent administration in history if you know what I mean!  Oh yeah ladies! (Campaign Manager note:  The Cain campaign is currently negotiating a sexual harassment settlement on behalf of Herman Cain with all the female citizens of this fine nation.  Herman Cain is unaware of the details of this, so don’t ask him!  The campaign would like to apologize for Herman Cain.  Once again, that is Herman being Herman and unfortunately Herman is a horn dog.)
  • I am well aware of the global issues that could adversely impact the world economy.  I have studied up on tragedy in Greece.  Fortunately my studies have revealed that these are merely plays!  It’s all make-believe people!  I hope this revelation will settle the markets.
  • For a limited time only, buy 4 years of President Cain and get 4 years free!
  • As President, I will revive the economy just as I as CEO revived Godfather’s Pizza.  Just as I led Godfather’s Pizza from fourth in pizza chain market share to eighth in pizza chain market share, I will do the same for the United States of America!

Wee dawgies! Don't mess with Texas!

Rick Perry:  Issues:

  • I have already revealed my lil’ tax plan that you can put on that lil’ post card.  But now I have an even better idea to cut spendin’.  I call it the postage stamp budget plan.  The budget will fit on a stamp.  Put all the little line items, slap it on a stamp, and send er on in.  Tee hee hee!  It’s awesome!
  • You know how I love slogans.  “Live Free Or Die”, “Victory Or Death”, hehe, “Bring It!”.  As President, I will adopt a national slogan.  It will be “America, Fuck Yeah!”.  Hehe!  I stole that from a movie.  Team America: World Police.  Speaking of that, Trey Parker and Matt Stone will be brought aboard as national security advisors.  Tee hee!  Those guys have some great ideas.  Suck on my balls Iran!  Hehe!
  • When I am elected President, I will put out an executive order banning gifts of “liquid gold” unless there’s some damn vodka and Galliano in it and not some sorry ass maple syrup!  Hehe.  Kevin, brother, you know I’m just kidding.  But seriously, maple syrup?  You know how nasty that was when I took a swig!  Asshole!  Tee hee hee!
  • As President, I will ban debates.  They require things that make me look dumb.  Like talkin’.  I’m smart, damn it!  I got gold stars in Kindergarten for such things as tying my shoes right, you know, useful things.  Not high-falutin’ things like speakin’.  In fact, I challenge my opponents to forget ’bout the debates and let’s have a good ‘ol-fashioned skeet-shootin’ contest, Texas-style!  Unless y’all are yella?!

Darn it.  Still a complete toss-up.  What will I do?  Thank goodness there is still time and about hundred Republican debates to go.  Unless Perry can convince them on that skeet-shooting thing.

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