Occupy Presidential Candidates (Lesser Known Candidates From The 99%!)

Posted: January 14, 2012 in Politics
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I, for one, am tired of the candidates produced by the top 1%.  Is this really the best we as a nation have to offer?  I say it’s not.  It is time to stop limiting ourselves to the top 1%.  It is time to turn to the other 99%!  As it so happens, there are…ahem….options.  Let me give you a rundown on just a few.

Vermin Supreme

Image

Pros:

  • Strong dental plan.  Includes winged monkeys acting as tooth fairies.
  • Strong supporter of scientific research.  Namely, he supports time machine research so we can go back and kill Hitler.
  • Promises a pony for every American.
  • Plans to promote zombie apocalypse awareness. Also supports converting to zombie energy.
  • Increased support from 2008 New Hampshire primary by over 2000%.

Cons:

  • Country’s electorate has bias against people who wear boots on their heads.
  • So far only on New Hampshire ballot.
  • Increasing his support by 2000% still only means 831 votes.  In other words, he trails Obama.  By a lot.

Campaign Slogan: Better teeth for a better America.

Stephen Colbert

Pros:

  • Has a national television show.
  • Has backing of a super PAC (Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, which has already purchased $10,000 of ads in South Carolina.)
  • Transferring control of his super PAC (to fellow Comedy Central newsman Jon Stewart) on television demonstrates more transparency than you would typically see from a PAC.
  • Campaign highlights absurdity of our current campaign finance rules.
  • A poll has him ahead of Jon Huntsman in South Carolina.  Seriously.  He’s also not far behind Rick Perry and Ron Paul.

Cons:

  • Has not officially entered race.  Only has formed exploratory committee.
  • Only has plans for South Carolina.
  • No clear path to get on South Carolina’s ballot.  South Carolina also doesn’t allow write-in votes.
  • Technically part of the 1%.

Campaign Slogan:  First to secede, first to succeed.

Dale Peterson

Pros:

  • Has that endearing Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino curmudgeon’s personality going for him.
  • Hates thugs and criminals.
  • Also not fond of stealing yard signs.

Cons:

  • Last campaign he failed to win Republican nomination for Alabama agriculture commissioner (finished 3rd)
  • Presidential campaign hasn’t seem to have gained any footing whatsoever.

Campaign Slogan:  It’s time to do a little more straight-talk, and a little less waltzing.

Mickey Mouse

Pros:

  • Manages to get thousands of write-in votes even though he has never actually ran for office.
  • Very popular with kids.
  • Major reason for success of large corporation (The Walt Disney Company).

Cons:

  • Has failed once again to show interest in running.
  • Supporters have not updated the Mickey Mouse For President website.
  • Mice may not meet the constitutional requirements for President.
  • May in fact be a fictional character.
  • Mickey Mouse Club might be a cult.

Yeah, yeah, this is a joke.  But so are many of the “mainstream” candidates.

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