Mayor Bell, $10,000 for a study to see if Birmingham can be a home for sports teams displaced by a natural disaster? Mckayla is not impressed.

Birmingham has some good things going for it, such as new greenspace locations such as Railroad Park and the new baseball stadium being built downtown.  But one of the problems I have with Birmingham is that they sometimes seem want to scheme their way into some sort of prestige and/or prosperity.  The most extreme example of this was when Birmingham put together a committee to make a bid for the 2020 Olympic Games.  That went nowhere, but that doesn’t mean that the scheming has stopped.  The latest scheme involves a study commissioned to determine if the city could be a suitable home for professional sports teams displaced by natural disasters.

Yes, not to make an actual bid for a sports team.  Just to be a place that a professional sports team can swing by and play a week or two if they want.  You know, because sports teams are so often displaced by natural disasters.  And it must be very practical to have all the logistics and support in place to host a sports team that may never come, you know, just in case.  (Maybe we could provide phones enclosed in glass to each professional team, with a sign “In case of emergency, break glass and call Birmingham.”)

I wish the city would just be okay with not being a big deal (particularly in the sports world, which they seem fascinated with).  But if we are going to think this way, perhaps I can throw out a few ideas of my own for possible areas of study!  How about:

  • Study to determine city’s odds of becoming host of a displaced Oscars ceremony – Why just limit ourselves to sport activities?  Why not big events as well?  California is eventually going to have that big earthquake.  But that’s no excuse to cancel Hollywood’s big party.  We already host the awesome Sidewalk Film Festival.  What better place for the stars of Tinseltown to gather than the Magic City!
  • Study to determine if Birmingham can be a suitable location for NASA’s next mission – Just look at all the publicity that the Mars rover landing got.  But missions to Mars are not cheap, and with budgetary concerns on everyone’s mind, NASA is having to cut back.  Landing a rover on Birmingham has got to be cheaper than landing one on Mars.  And Birmingham could use some of that sweet sweet publicity.  This is what people like to call “win, win”.
  • Study to determine if Birmingham can be an alternative voting location on Election Day – This country will be once again electing a President in November.  It’s important.  But say election day comes and there’s a freak early snowstorm in Maine or something.   What to do, what to do?  Hey, way not bring those folks down here!  (How do we get them down here you may ask?  I don’t know, helicopter?  I’m the ideas guy darn it, it’s someone else’s job to work out the logistics!)  They get to vote, and we get the tax money when they stop and get their barbecue from Dreamland, which they will not be able to resist.

There has to be hundreds of dumb ideas that the city can dump $10,000 on to study.  C’mon Birmingham, just send me a check and let me “study” just one!

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