A Bigot’s Guide To The Universe For Dummies (An Useful Reference For The Rest Of Us)

Posted: May 3, 2014 in Current Events
Tags: , ,
No Mr. Sterling.  That is actually a TERRIBLE disguise to wear to try to slip your way into the arena for game 7!

No Mr. Sterling. That is actually a TERRIBLE disguise to wear to try to slip your way into the arena for game 7!

This country has changed a lot.  We have a black President.  And as the bartender in Anchorman once said, ‘ladies can do stuff now’.  But it seems like we still have a few folks who tend to neither be black nor women who haven’t learned how to deal with that.  So I am here to help with just a few hints.

  • If you catch the words “Let me tell you one more thing about the Negro….” coming out of your mouth, just stop.  Please.  Take a moment.   Then make sure the next words out of your mouth are ‘um…nevermind.’  Otherwise you will go from being treated as a Fox News hero to being treated as a leper in about one nanosecond.  Right Cliven Bundy?
  • You can’t buy your way out of being a racist, even if you are rich enough to own a NBA team.  Throwing money at people is not the same as giving respect to people.  No matter how many awards the NAACP gives you (c’mon NAACP!).  But if nothing else, do not get caught on tape spewing hate speech if you are even marginally famous.  And especially do not tape it yourself.  I can not stress that enough!  TMZ will get it somehow!  In fact, just go ahead and assume anything recorded will end up on TMZ.  And think, would you like your mother hearing that?   Unless your mother is also an intolerant bigot.  In which case you will just have to imagine a tolerant non-bigoted mother.
  • As a legislator, tread carefully if you are going to go against any bill with “Equality” or “Equity” the title.  You see, these words tend to be associated with fairness and just.  So to take the opposite side of such a bill, you may feel compelled to say something that others may perceive as being unfair and unjust.  For example, when a New Hampshire lawmaker spoke out against a proposed Paycheck Equity Act, he felt compelled to say that women don’t work as many hours, just won’t do overtime, and really aren’t motivated by money anyway so that equal pay would be wasted on them.  For some reason, hard-working women perceived such a statement as being unfair and unjust.  Who knows why?  Darn this new world!

With these few simple steps, you just might, might, be able to hide your true ugly self from the rest of the world.   Nah.  We need to know who you people are.  The good news for “The Rest Of Us” is that you bigots are dummies incapable of hiding your true self forever.


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