The U.S. presidential campaign is in full swing (for some reason….over a year before the actual election….but that’s for another time). Let’s check in and see what pearls of wisdom each of the candidates have for us:
Donald Trump*: “He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” Yeah, those losers! But check out Trump’s record, NEVER BEEN CAPTURED! Because he’s a winner!!!! (and never been to war, but more importantly, a winner!!!)
Hillary Clinton: “I mean, look, I’m a real person with all the pluses and minuses that go along with being that.” Politifact rated that comment as “mostly true”.
Ben Carson: What Ben Carson says you should do: “Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say: ‘Hey guys, everybody attack him! He may shoot me but he can’t get us all.'”. Then he laughed, because mass killings are hilarious! If only the world wasn’t filled with cowards, mass shootings wouldn’t happen. Also, shooters will totally allow you to organize, plot, and launch a counterattack before killing you as that’s only sporting. But what would Ben Carson actually do?: “I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization. Guy comes in, put the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter,'” Um, that’s so…..brave?
Carly Fiorina: “Finally my degree in medieval history and philosophy has come in handy, because what ISIS wants to do is drive us back to the Middle Ages, literally.” Is she planning on responding to ISIS with the Spanish Inquisition? Because nobody would expect that!
MIDDLE OF THE PACKERS:
Bernie Sanders: “A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes about being raped by 3 men simultaneously.” Yes, he really said this…or rather really wrote this. In fairness, he wrote this back in 1972, and now calls it dumb satire. But he still wasn’t exactly a kid (he was 31), probably at a point in his life where he should know that’s not really want anyone ever fantasizes about.
Marco Rubio: “Whether the earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.” Um, yeah, we probably should have somebody look into that.
Jeb Bush: “Look stuff happens, there’s always a crisis and the impulse is always to do something and it’s not always the right thing to do.” In response to the Oregon college campus massacre, Jeb showed off the “compassionate conservatism” his brother was known for by not using the word “shit”.
Ted Cruz: “That’s exactly the intent is to destroy the private insurance business, to cause people to lose their private health insurance and be forced, essentially, to move to single-payer, government-provided health insurance, which was Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama’s plan from day one.” Requiring everyone to buy private health insurance or face a fine must mean Obama just didn’t think his devious evil plan through.
ARE THESE FOLKS REALLY STILL RUNNING?:
John Kasich: “So if I were, not president, but if I were king in American, I would abolish all teachers’ lounges, where they sit together and worry about ‘Woe is us.'” Ah, teacher lounges, the scourge of the American educational system.
Rand Paul: “I’m a physician in your community and you say you have a right to health care. You have a right to beat down my door with the police, escort me away and force me to take care of you? That’s ultimately what the right to free health care would be.” So I’m not a doctor, but I’m still pretty sure that’s NOT how single-payer systems work.
Chris Christie: “The climate’s been changing forever. Does human activity contribute to it? Of course it does. We all contribute to it one way or the other. By breathing we contribute to it.” We only have one choice, we must all hold our breath. Governor Christie, you first!
Mike Huckabee: “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States.” Yes, while North Korea does not have freedom of speech, freedom to leave the country, freedom of movement, freedom of press, or even freedom of religion, there is sure as heck no gay marriage there. And I can’t think of anything more free than that!
Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, Jim Webb, Martin O’Malley, Lincoln Chaffey, and the rest: Are we sure they aren’t on Gilligan’s Island?
Welp, one of these folks is going to be President of these here United States.