The Republican Convention – tl;dw Version

Posted: July 24, 2016 in Current Events, Politics
Tags: , , , ,

He’s totally going to add a “Trump” sign over the White House if he wins, isn’t he?

The Republican Convention was this past week, and if you are like most people, you didn’t really have time (or want to make the time) to watch. Well fortunately for you, I watched* so you didn’t have to. (*Ok, I didn’t really watch, I did what any sane person does if they want to pay attention but doesn’t want to spend hours watching cable news television, I read about it just like you did. Just go with it….I did watch Trump’s 15 hour acceptance speech and you know you didn’t, so I think I deserve a little credit!) Here’s everything you need to know:

  • Day 1: Make American Safe Again: Oh, they had themes for each night. But no worries, by-and-large, the speakers ignored the theme and talked about whatever they wanted to anyway. By which generally speaking was about how Hillary will get us all killed. And Benghazi! (No, that’s not from The Big Bang Theory. You’re thinking of “Bazinga!” Pay attention.) Lock her up! And then there was Melania Trump. I guess she told her speechwriter she wanted to sound like the first lady, and the speechwriter took it as literally exactly like the first lady….has happened to us all! (seriously, how do you think you can rip off a convention speech that was only eight years ago and think you won’t be caught?)

    Numbers: Number of speakers who were/are television stars? 4 Number of speakers who were/are “Charles in Charge”? 1 Number of speakers with last name of Trump? 2

    Line of the Night: “He will lead by leading.” – Rudy Guiliani

  •   Day 2: Make American Work Again: First, the Trump campaign spent much of day pretending that Melania’s speech wasn’t partially plagiarized, even though they were caught red-handed. Second, the “Never Trump” movement finally succeeded……in delaying Trump’s nomination by about 15 minutes! But alas, Alaska’s last-ditch effort in procedural protest failed and Trump became the official Presidential nominee of the Republican party. This was also the night where party leaders made their obligatory appearances while somehow saying Trump’s name as little as possible (looking at you Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell). Not much talk of jobs, unless the jobs being made available are for lynch mob to go after Hillary Clinton, led by Chris Christie’s “trial”. (Hey, the pitchfork and torch industry does need a pick-me-up!) Oh, and then Ben Carson dropped the pretenses and just pretty much said directly that Hillary is one with Satan. Hey, if you are going to claim somebody is evil, may as well go all the way, amirite?

    Numbers: Number of speakers who were/are television stars? 2 Number of speakers who are mediocre (by LPGA standards) golfers? 1 Number of speakers who run fighting organizations? 1 Number of speakers with last name of Trump? 2

    Trolling of the Night: Donald Trump Jr. used lines almost word-for-word from an article in The American Conservative by F.H. Buckley. When the internet took the bait and shouted ‘plagarism!’, Buckley pounced to say ‘aha, but I wrote Trump Jr’s speech!’. Well-played sir.

  • Day 3: Make America First Again: Wow, this was straight out of WWE. Ted Cruz is making a speech, maybe he’s going to go “face” and endorse Trump and the crowd is digging it. But as the speech continues, he totally turns and goes “heel” and urges everyone to “vote their conscious”. The crowd turns on him and eventually starts chanting “we want Trump!” And then Trump appears in the crowd! The only thing missing was Trump rushing the stage with a steel chair to chase Cruz off the stage and then playing some theme music and the victorious Trump poses to the fans. Also, Mike Pence accepted the VP nomination, and proved he can fill the role of conventional VP candidate. Plenty of making sure you still remember that Hillary is a bad, bad person.

    Numbers: Number of speakers who were/are television stars? 0 (hmm, must have been an oversight) Number of speakers who gave an awkward wave that sorta looked like a Nazi salute? 1 Number of speakers with last name of Trump? 1

    Line of the Night: “A tsunami is coming! His name is Donald Trump!” – Phillip Ruffin, apparently in support of Trump and not warning of an impending disaster.

  • Day 4: Make America One Again: And that one America? It’s the one you are going to totally die in! The GOP turned the fear volume up to eleven. Danger Will Robinson Danger. But there’s one man, and one man only, who can save us all, Trump. And Trump accepted the Presidential nomination….after a very, very long speech that meandered all over the place…that I listened to. Mostly. It was definitely on my television. Anyway he used a lot of words, whereas if he just wanted to get to the point, it would have been ‘Clinton = danger, Trump = savior, Trump out’. But getting to the point (ever really) is not really Trump’s style, is it?

    Numbers: Number of speakers who were/are television stars? 0 (guess TV stars are just for openers) Number of billionaire speakers? 2, bringing the total to 4 for the whole convention….with 1 one more being a former billionaire. Number of speakers with the last name of Trump? 2

    Line of the Night: “Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.” – Donald Trump – explaining why he is the savior.

    So Trump has basically laid out his strategy, Hillary is bad and evil incarnate and he is the savior (just trust him, he is). It definitely felt like the GOP was more uniting behind an anti-Hillary movement rather than pro-Trump. It will be interesting to see what balance the Democrats strike this week between pro-Hillary versus anti-Trump in response.



  1. List of X says:

    They had a theme of “Make America One Again”? Are they planning to unite all of North America, Central America, and South America into one united country?

  2. gesvol says:

    Doubtful, you know, with the wall building and all. But if they are all willing to unite in hating Hillary, they might consider it.

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