The day after election day University of Alabama football head coach said, “To be honest with you, I didn’t even know yesterday was Election Day. It was so important to me that I didn’t even know it was happening, we’re focused on other things here.” But hey, that really shouldn’t come as a surprise. His “problem” is football and we’ve decided that “problem” is worth a LOT of money to work on. Still, it’s hard to believe Nick Saban doesn’t have any concerns or opinions beyond football. Fortunately shortly after the playoff committee announced that Alabama was ranked number one, I scored an exclusive interview with Nick Saban:
Me: Thank you Mr. Saban for taking the time to sit with me to answer a few questions. Congratulations on your team making the playoffs by the way.
Saban: Thank you. I’m so happy for our team and fans.
Me: You don’t look happy.
Saban: I am happy.
Me: Um, are you sure?
Saban: This is my smile.
Me: Um……ok. Moving on. So I know you say you don’t pay attention to politics and all, but surely you have some thoughts beyond football. For instance, taxes, what are….
Saban: Taxes? The Crimson Tide Foundation pays my taxes. Everyone should just get a foundation to pay their taxes.
Me: Uh, that’s not how the world work….
Saban: They pay for my house too. Everyone should try it. Then you can just focus on the “process”…Alabama football.
Me: Er….ok. Maybe we should stick to football then. So what are your thoughts on your upcoming opponent Washington?
Saban: What’s a Washington?
Me: Well to start off with it’s a state….
Saban: States???? Oh…those are type of things those know-it-all professors want to fill my players’ heads with rather than football. Look, I don’t have time for geography, we are focused on other things here. Wished those pointy-heads in academics would get that through their thick skulls.
Me: Ok, ok, forget that….it’s a football team, the one you play next. Your thoughts?
Saban: My thoughts? When is the game?
Me: December 31st.
Saban: December 31st??!!! Grrr….for Christ sakes! You people in the media just don’t get it. It’s all about the “process”. One game at a time? Pfft. Probably what they do at Auburn. Or Tennessee….winning those…what did Butch call it….championships of life? Almost makes me laugh. Almost. Then it makes me puke. Here we focus on one second at a time! What can we do to be better football players this very next second??!!!! In fact I already forgot your question, because I’m focused on the next second.
Me: Oh I am SO sorry…uh, are you still smiling?
Me: Nevermind. Ok, this is going nowhere. You have anything you want to say? Whatever.
Saban: Look, your world confuses me. Elections? Why elephants and donkeys? Will the super moon light the world on fire? When I get a text on my I-Phone 7, did magic trolls make that happen? I don’t know. I’m just a
caveman football coach. I don’t have time for figure out such trivial matters. But there is one thing I do know. Pay me no less than $7 million a year and a free house and I’ll win you a shit-ton of National Championships that will make you forget that Bear loser!
Me: Bear Bryant?
Saban: How the hell should I know? I forgot him already.
Me: Alright then. Well, thank you for your time.
Saban: Who are you and what the f&%k are you doing in my office???!!!
Me: Leaving sir!!!!