Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Today the television program Meet The Press had a debate regarding climate change.  The people brought onto the show to discuss this important topic was a children’s program television host (Bill “The Science Guy” Nye) and renown climate expert Congressperson Marsha Blackburn from Tennessee (she also has expertise regarding gender issues – women do not want equal pay laws – very multi-talented).  I am sure it was a very rich deep discussion.

Man, how can they top that?  Well just check out this future schedule:

jon stewart 2stephen colbert 2

What is the state of today’s media?  Two award-winning journalists discuss this Sunday on Meet The Press – February 23 on NBC.

ponchdonald trump

Is the time for immigration reform now?  A Hispanic California police officer and arrogant smug rich New York white guy will debate this Sunday on Meet The Press – March 2 on NBC.

vitamin cpink floyd

This Sunday we will take on education reform.  Some say graduation is a sad but important rite of passage toward flight.  Others say we don’t need no education.  Watch Meet The Press for this most important discussion – March 9 on NBC.

doc mcstuffinscare bears

Obamacare.  Is the most important aspect the medicine?  Or is it “care”?  Watch an improbably young doctor debates this issue with cuddly teddy bears this Sunday on Meet The Press – March 16 on NBC.

Hmm.  Is it me or have things changed a bit since Tim Russert’s passing?

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With apologies for stealing a gimmick from List Of X (who does this much better than I) here are the top 10 reasons Michele Bachmann is not seeking another term in office:

1)  She wants to spend more time with the voices in her head.

2)  She is leaving to become a curator at the John Wayne Gacy museum in Waterloo.  She loves that guy’s movies!

3)  So that she can change our convention from singing happy birthday on birthdays to singing happy birthday on the anniversaries of deaths!

4)  To join forces with Jenny McCarthy to form the dynamic duo of wisdom and finally end those awful vaccines once and for all!

5)  To finally make money on that family farm they don’t make a penny on.  Except those 25,933,200 pennies received from federal aid.  And the between 3,250,000 pennies and 10,500,000 pennies of annual income.  But other than that, not a penny made on that family farm.

6)  To get into better shape so she can better run from journalists asking her questions.

7)  It’s totally not because she wouldn’t win.  Because she would so win.  Just ask her.  That dude she ran against and had to outspend 12 to 1 only to beat him by a few thousand votes?  Total fluke!  In fact, that’s why she’s not running.  It’s simply just too unfair to the competition!

8)  She has decided to make running for President a full-time job now she knows how lucrative that can be, especially if you don’t follow election laws.

9)  She is slated to become the next horror film slasher for New Line Cinema.

Herrre’s Bachmann!

10)  Because of the shame brought upon her when World’s (not so) Funniest Blog called her a literal idiot.  It was simply too much for her to bear.  I am so sorry.  (but not literally)

Mayor Bell, $10,000 for a study to see if Birmingham can be a home for sports teams displaced by a natural disaster? Mckayla is not impressed.

Birmingham has some good things going for it, such as new greenspace locations such as Railroad Park and the new baseball stadium being built downtown.  But one of the problems I have with Birmingham is that they sometimes seem want to scheme their way into some sort of prestige and/or prosperity.  The most extreme example of this was when Birmingham put together a committee to make a bid for the 2020 Olympic Games.  That went nowhere, but that doesn’t mean that the scheming has stopped.  The latest scheme involves a study commissioned to determine if the city could be a suitable home for professional sports teams displaced by natural disasters.

Yes, not to make an actual bid for a sports team.  Just to be a place that a professional sports team can swing by and play a week or two if they want.  You know, because sports teams are so often displaced by natural disasters.  And it must be very practical to have all the logistics and support in place to host a sports team that may never come, you know, just in case.  (Maybe we could provide phones enclosed in glass to each professional team, with a sign “In case of emergency, break glass and call Birmingham.”)

I wish the city would just be okay with not being a big deal (particularly in the sports world, which they seem fascinated with).  But if we are going to think this way, perhaps I can throw out a few ideas of my own for possible areas of study!  How about:

  • Study to determine city’s odds of becoming host of a displaced Oscars ceremony – Why just limit ourselves to sport activities?  Why not big events as well?  California is eventually going to have that big earthquake.  But that’s no excuse to cancel Hollywood’s big party.  We already host the awesome Sidewalk Film Festival.  What better place for the stars of Tinseltown to gather than the Magic City!
  • Study to determine if Birmingham can be a suitable location for NASA’s next mission – Just look at all the publicity that the Mars rover landing got.  But missions to Mars are not cheap, and with budgetary concerns on everyone’s mind, NASA is having to cut back.  Landing a rover on Birmingham has got to be cheaper than landing one on Mars.  And Birmingham could use some of that sweet sweet publicity.  This is what people like to call “win, win”.
  • Study to determine if Birmingham can be an alternative voting location on Election Day – This country will be once again electing a President in November.  It’s important.  But say election day comes and there’s a freak early snowstorm in Maine or something.   What to do, what to do?  Hey, way not bring those folks down here!  (How do we get them down here you may ask?  I don’t know, helicopter?  I’m the ideas guy darn it, it’s someone else’s job to work out the logistics!)  They get to vote, and we get the tax money when they stop and get their barbecue from Dreamland, which they will not be able to resist.

There has to be hundreds of dumb ideas that the city can dump $10,000 on to study.  C’mon Birmingham, just send me a check and let me “study” just one!

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Forget everything you have heard from those lamestream media folks about Chris Christie, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and the like.  I have the real scoop on who Mitt Romney is considering as a potential running mate!

Why considering?  The Scream and Mitt Romney share much in common.  For instance, Mitt earned around $20 million in 2011.  The Scream earned $120 million just last week.  So clearly they are both job creators that know how the economy works!

Potential Drawback:  The Scream is too emotional for Mitt.  By which I mean The Scream shows signs of actually having emotions.

Why considering?  The Donald shares Mitt’s appreciation of the entertaining value of firing people!  Mitt loves to tell the stories about people getting fired, like that time his dad shut down that plant in Michigan to move it to Wisconsin.  Hilarious!  Meanwhile, Trump’s whole career pretty much revolves around producing a show where he fires people.

Potential Drawback:  Mitt’s perfect hair does not get along with Donald’s….well whatever he calls what he has on his head.

Why considering?  Some people think Mitt should choose a woman to help narrow the gender gap in his support.  But he knows that is a lost cause.  Only thing to do is to make sure he just kills it with the male vote!  This is Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.  She is Megan Fox’s replacement in the Transformer movies and was rated numero uno in Maxim’s Hot 100.  She is clearly very qualified!

Potential Drawback:  She cannot see Russia from her house.  Also, she is British, so she cannot run.  Stupid rules.

Why considered?  There are those horrible rumors that Mitt Romney mistreated his own pet on a family vacation.  So what better way to help dispel those rumors and get pet lovers back on his side than tapping one of American’s most beloved beagles, Snoopy?

Potential Drawback:  Counterintuitively, while Snoopy likes to sleep on top of his doghouse, he refuses to ride on top of a car.

Why considered?  Only because it is simply brilliant!  Why would Joe Biden switch over to Mitt’s side?  Simple.  Mitt is crazy loaded with money.  Everyone has their price.  He is simply going to buy him.  Obama can’t run without a Veep.  Mitt wins by default!  That’s how Mitt rolls, Bain Capital style!

Potential Drawback:  What possible drawback could there be?  It’s the perfect plan!

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Now that Santorum has dropped out of the race, we can finally look forward to November….TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6TH when the champion of the President Of The United States “The” Barack Obama defends his title against the number one contender to the crown Mitt “Boomerang” Romney!  This one should be a slobbernogger!  This one is WAY to big for pay-per-view ladies and gentlemen!  It will be on EVERY network!  That’s right, I said EVERY network!  The undercard features Joe “My Brain Doesn’t Know What My Mouth Is Saying” Biden versus a MYSTERY OPPONENT!  So make your plans for TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6TH, put the kids to bed and get the popcorn ready, because this fight is expected to go ALL….NIGHT…..LONG!   Here is the tale of the tape:

Challenger:  Mitt Romney

Governor Mitt Romney of MA

  • Height: 6 feet 2 inches
  • Weight:  170 lbs.
  • Age:  65
  • Politics: Righty (but as Governor showed he had some lefty tendencies)
  • Knows the right height of a tree when he sees it.
  • Probably doesn’t know your boss, or your boss’s boss, or your boss’s boss’s boss.  But may be best buddies with your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss, which makes you practically family!
  • Knows that if a dog likes sticking his head out a car window, that dog will just LOVE riding strapped to the roof of the car in a kennel!
  • Weakness:  People keep insisting on bringing up his past, but he totally is not for any of those things anymore!  Unless you want him to be?  Because he can be for those things if you want?  Just say the word!
  • Best Quote: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”  Did your head just spin?  Wait until he busts out some of that same English-Fu in the debates Obama!

Champion:  Barack Obama

Barack Obama delivers a speech at the Universi...

  • Height:  6 feet 1 inch
  • Weight:  180 lbs
  • Age:  50
  • Politics:  Lefty (but as champion has shown some righty tendencies)
  • Is attempting to master the art of Jedi mind tricks (“The health care law is not the law you want to overturn”)
  • Knows the number of states in the United States within a range of error of plus/minus 10.
  • Used John McCain’s vice-presidential vetting team when scouting out good alternative energy investments.  (“Yes sir, Solyndra is going to be huge!  Guaranteed!  The biggest winner since Sarah!”)
  • Had an earlier battle against health care, a very tough opponent.  Ringside observers are split on who won.  Going to the judges score-cards.
  • Weakness: Over-promises, under-delivers.  Close Guantanamo Bay?  Ha!  Deliver immigration reform?  Immigration-what?  Changing the tone in Washington?  LMAO!
  • Best Quote:  “Those same folks who were hollering about it before we passed it, they’re still hollering about how the world will end because we passed this bill.  This is not an exaggeration.”   Maybe just a tiny-weeny little exaggeration?

So mark this date down, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER and BE THERE!!!!!!

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I, for one, am tired of the candidates produced by the top 1%.  Is this really the best we as a nation have to offer?  I say it’s not.  It is time to stop limiting ourselves to the top 1%.  It is time to turn to the other 99%!  As it so happens, there are…ahem….options.  Let me give you a rundown on just a few.

Vermin Supreme

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Pros:

  • Strong dental plan.  Includes winged monkeys acting as tooth fairies.
  • Strong supporter of scientific research.  Namely, he supports time machine research so we can go back and kill Hitler.
  • Promises a pony for every American.
  • Plans to promote zombie apocalypse awareness. Also supports converting to zombie energy.
  • Increased support from 2008 New Hampshire primary by over 2000%.

Cons:

  • Country’s electorate has bias against people who wear boots on their heads.
  • So far only on New Hampshire ballot.
  • Increasing his support by 2000% still only means 831 votes.  In other words, he trails Obama.  By a lot.

Campaign Slogan: Better teeth for a better America.

Stephen Colbert

Pros:

  • Has a national television show.
  • Has backing of a super PAC (Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, which has already purchased $10,000 of ads in South Carolina.)
  • Transferring control of his super PAC (to fellow Comedy Central newsman Jon Stewart) on television demonstrates more transparency than you would typically see from a PAC.
  • Campaign highlights absurdity of our current campaign finance rules.
  • A poll has him ahead of Jon Huntsman in South Carolina.  Seriously.  He’s also not far behind Rick Perry and Ron Paul.

Cons:

  • Has not officially entered race.  Only has formed exploratory committee.
  • Only has plans for South Carolina.
  • No clear path to get on South Carolina’s ballot.  South Carolina also doesn’t allow write-in votes.
  • Technically part of the 1%.

Campaign Slogan:  First to secede, first to succeed.

Dale Peterson

Pros:

  • Has that endearing Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino curmudgeon’s personality going for him.
  • Hates thugs and criminals.
  • Also not fond of stealing yard signs.

Cons:

  • Last campaign he failed to win Republican nomination for Alabama agriculture commissioner (finished 3rd)
  • Presidential campaign hasn’t seem to have gained any footing whatsoever.

Campaign Slogan:  It’s time to do a little more straight-talk, and a little less waltzing.

Mickey Mouse

Pros:

  • Manages to get thousands of write-in votes even though he has never actually ran for office.
  • Very popular with kids.
  • Major reason for success of large corporation (The Walt Disney Company).

Cons:

  • Has failed once again to show interest in running.
  • Supporters have not updated the Mickey Mouse For President website.
  • Mice may not meet the constitutional requirements for President.
  • May in fact be a fictional character.
  • Mickey Mouse Club might be a cult.

Yeah, yeah, this is a joke.  But so are many of the “mainstream” candidates.

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Why not?  Everyone else makes predictions.  How hard could it be?  So this will all happen in 2012.

  • Frustrated by the lack of ability to find somebody better than Mitt Romney, Republicans will instead nominate Ronald Reagan’s legacy.  Should the legacy be elected, a Super Ronnie Committee will be formed to base decisions based on interpretations of Reagan’s legacy as it has been reshaped since his death.
  • Donald Trump and that idiot that used to be governor of Alaska will continue to threaten to run for President.  Their ego will continue to believe that people care, but somehow their instincts will allow them to avoid actually entering the contest and getting crushed and ending the speculation.
  • People will realize that debating Tim Tebow’s skills as a quarterback and/or his relationship to God is a pointless exercise and he will just be another NFL quarterback.
  • Becoming even more emboldened, Republicans will stop with any pretense otherwise and go all in with support for the rich job creators and propose totally flipping the tax brackets, allowing the rich job creators to pay no taxes while the poor dredges of society pay 35%.  The rich job creators will be defined as those earning more than $200,000 annually.  Democrats will of course fight back.  They will “compromise” with the GOP, raising the definition to $225,000.  There will be much praise that government still works for the people.
  • We will bomb another country.  I mean, chances are we will, right?
  • This is the year we finally learn that chemtrails are real after all!
  • The world will cease to exist on December 21st at 11:59:59 pm.  The world will resume its existence on December 22nd at 12:00:00 am.
  • This blog will become bigger than Google, Facebook, and YouTube combined!
  • I will have my first injury-free calendar year as a runner.
  • Just so that I get at least one prediction right, none of the above predictions will become true (except for the one about running, I really, REALLY want that to happen, darn it!).

Happy New Year!

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