Yeah, I know that makes me a bad citizen. But here’s the thing, to matter in Alabama, you pretty much have to vote in the GOP primary, like it or not. And since I am not a big fan of the current day GOP, right off the bat I get discouraged. But we do have a recent opening for the U.S. House Rep (Spencer Bachus is finally leaving after what I am thinking is about 100 years of service). So lots of candidates have jumped in (not often there’s not an incumbent running after all). So the other day, I start my research:
Let’s see, he is the “committed conservative” (good to know, don’t like that half-ass stuff!). Ok, ending Obamacare, supporting local business (jobs!), balancing the budget, Christian values under attack….ok, looks like he hits all the “conservative” talking points. Next.
Ooh, he’s a “movement conservative with a spine”! (Paul you wuss!) Oh, he’s ending Obamacare*. A small market businessman who will fight for the free market economy (jobs!). Check off balancing the budget. He is Christian. (Are the values under attack? Anyway, since he opens with that, I am sure he will protect those values!) *Uh oh, when you look at the fine print though, Chad Mathis actually SUPPORTS some provisions of Obamacare. Oops. I’m sure his opponents exploited that in all the ads I’ve been ignoring. Sorry Chad, better luck next time.
Ok, he is the “experienced conservative” (he was conservative while you were still crapping in diapers Paul and Chad!). Ok, he’s ending Obamacare too, a businessman (jobs!), reign in federal spending (balancing the budget I’m sure), and he teaches Sunday School (no mention whether Christian values are under attack, but he does support “traditional values”.) Hold on, hold on. How do I know you aren’t pulling a Chad Mathis and are not secretly cool with at least parts of the Obamacare law?
OMG!!! Ok, if you didn’t watch, he takes a copy of a bill and shoots with a pistol. Still not convinced? He then shoots with a rifle. Yeah, but that’s not serious. Alright, he shoots with a f’n semi-automatic assault rifle!!!! But darn it, it’s still there. Finally he throws in the whole darn thing into a wood chipper (I must admit, I am a little disappointed he didn’t somehow secure a tank. I guess even Alabama has SOME limits). He’s not only going to end Obamacare, he is going to kick its ass!
Scott is “Alabama’s foremost conservative champion” (You hear him, champion! You conservative losers!) He’s going to take on those hippie liberals in Washington, like Eric Cantor & John Boehner!!! (Wait, what???) Oh here’s something different, he’s going to end Obamacare. He’s going to create jobs, not because he’s a business man, but because he is getting rid of those filthy illegal immigrants (double conservative score!). Balance the budget? You betcha! Christian values under attack? You bet your bible they are! The conservative is strong in this one.
Blah!!! What freakin’ difference does it make? That’s Alabama politics right now. I just don’t have the will nor see the reason to bother. I have no reason to think that any of these candidates can’t “represent me” being the most conservative conservative to have ever conservative. They don’t really need my vote to do that.
June 4th Update:
So there’s going to be a run-off between Paul DeMarco and Gary Palmer. Hmm, didn’t mention Gary Palmer. Let’s see:
Gary is “everything conservatives need” according to National Review. Guess what? He’s going to end Obamacare! He is going to get rid of those darn regulations that prevent economic growth (jobs!). Yes, he is going to balance the budget. He probably does need to get a few more Christian mentions on his website, I can find only a reference to God in regards to being pro-life. Whew! I was worried there might be an actual difference in opinion. Thank goodness that in a race of 8 hardcore conservatives, it is going to come down to 2 hardcore conservatives! (Maybe the election will swing on whether or not Christian values are under attack?)